Migraines and the Inability to Block Out Light

Today I woke up with a migraine. It wasn’t the worst migraine I’ve ever had but it was a bit worse than my normal ones. The throbbing in my head was made worse by the fact that our house has blinds that do nothing to block out the light. As well, the cats decided that they needed to be very vocal today.

I was suppose to go out to brunch with Sweety, his sisters and his father but, needless to say, moving was not an option for me this morning. In fact, I don’t even feel so hot moving now and my migraine has lessened from its intensity.

I have a theory on why I had a migraine today. Part of it is due to the fact that I had a very bad “episode” last night. It was as if I couldn’t turn off my brain and all I could think about was everything that I needed to get done and how I’m doing a really bad job of taking care of Sweety.

In a way I almost feel as if I deserve my migraine. Partly because Sweety and I are just getting by and partly because there is so much more that I could be doing but I’m not.

I know that I’m doing all I can at the moment, but today is just one of those days when I can’t convince myself that that’s enough.


When the Bad Outnumber the Good

English: A 3 Musketeers bar, shown here whole.

I would love a 3 Musketeers Bar right now  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I’ve felt like the bad days have been outnumbering the good days at least 4:1. And I’m really getting discouraged. So this post is going to be short because I need some cuddle time with Sweety and a chocolate bar.

I hope that everyone else is having a good day because I wouldn’t wish this hopeless feeling on anyone.

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Recently I was reminded that my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. Aside from making me feel old, it made me feel unproductive.

When I think back to what I had hoped to accomplish, I haven’t done any of it. I haven’t published any novels. I haven’t bought a house. I don’t have children. I haven’t made a million dollars. I don’t even have a job at the moment.

I know that I haven’t completely squandered my life. I haven’t wasted the past ten years. I’ve gone to college and graduated top of my class. I’ve lived in different countries and traveled where the wind sent me. I’ve volunteered a lot of my time and energy. I met Sweety and we promised our lives to each other.

But, even though I haven’t wasted my years, I also haven’t used them as efficiently as possible. I’ve written novel length stories and rewritten them but I haven’t queried any agents or submitted any manuscripts. The longest I stayed in one place was two years and even that was for school.

I know that I am the one to blame for this. I’m the reason why I haven’t published anything. I let my fear still my hand when I think of querying agents. I’m the reason I constantly move. I let my fear keep me from setting down roots.

And I use to be the one to blame for not being loved. Before Sweety, I wouldn’t let myself get too close to anyone. I would put up a mask because my fear told me that no one would understand the real me. I kept the mask because I thought that I was unlovable. But meeting Sweety, being loved by him, taught me that I could be loved. Being loved showed me that I was the only one who thought myself unlovable.

But it’s hard to change. I’ve been thinking thoughts like this since I can remember. I’ve been a perfectionist for all of my remembered life but I’ve never been able to obtain the perfection I seek. Even now, as I’m typing up this post, I think of myself as unlovable. I’m chastising myself for my imperfections. I’m berating myself because I haven’t accomplished what I wanted to.

My mind is swimming with the words “stupid” and “idiot”. The phrase “I can’t believe you did that” is being repeated over and over. And this is all because I wrote down the word count of this post before I finished editing it and because I accidentally forgot to capitalize one of the tags.

I know I have to change my way of thinking if I ever want to be happy. And there are some days when I do love myself and all my flaws. Today is not one of those days.

On days like today, I am my own worst enemy.

Why Do I Keep Doing This To Myself?

I always want to believe the best in people even when they consistently do the opposite.In my mind, it’s not that they don’t have the ability to better themselves but it is that they don’t want to better themselves.

About 8 months ago, Sweety and I moved out of an apartment that we shared with two other people. We moved because Sweety was offered a job in a different city but there was more to the move than that.

For at least 6 months before we left, I only saw our roommates when they were drinking. By drinking I don’t mean a small amount, I mean that they had gone through at least half a bottle of wine by noon. In fact, one of our roommates was proud of how much she was drinking and that she didn’t need company to get drunk.

And it hurt because I never felt that I was talking to them. Every time we spoke, I was talking to the alcohol. As much as I would try to find them when they were sober, I never did.

Even now, months after the move, I still can’t help but look them up from time to time just to make sure that they are still alive. I keep hoping they’ve realized that they don’t need alcohol but their posts on Facebook and Twitter show that they haven’t.

I know that I’m just setting myself up for disappointment when I look for them. And I know that I need to stop worrying about people who don’t worry about themselves. But I can’t help but care.

Maybe someday, people will stop hating themselves so much that they can’t survive without numbing their senses and getting out of their mind. Maybe someday, people will find a constructive way to deal with their pain. Until then, I guess my heart will just bleed for the pain they are causing themselves and their loved ones.

A Need To Look Up And Be Strong

God the Father 21

God the Father (Photo credit: Waiting For The Word)

There comes a time when you feel like you’ve faced everything that you can. At that point, you need to think positively. You need to remember that God believes that you are capable of overcoming what you are facing and if God believes in you, who are you to say otherwise?

Today I reached that point. I can’t tell you the reason why I felt so down today because I don’t really have a reason. Sweety has been doing a lot better than expected and healing from his transplant quickly. We have been getting enough financial help (from government, family and other financial aid) so that we can get by without filing for bankruptcy (which was a very strong possibility a few months ago when we kept getting denied financial aid).

In fact, things are starting to look up for us. It feels as if we’ve finally reached the top of the mountain that we’ve been climbing since before Sweety got sick.

But instead of feeling relief, I’ve felt the strain of everything that I’ve been dealing with. I felt the exhaustion of staying strong and I felt defeated. Today I wanted to give up and I honestly didn’t know why.

To be completely honest, I have been diagnosed with depression and the theory is that the depression was either brought on or made worse by what has been going on in my life. For someone like me who needs reason to understand things, this depression has made me feel worse. Because some days there is no reason for why I feel like crying or staying in bed.

Those are the days when I have to remind myself that I can get through this. After all, if God believes that I can get through this, who am I to believe otherwise?

This Is My Pledge To Me

Today is the first day
Of the rest of my life
Of accomplishing my goals
Of the journey to my dreams

Yesterday was the last day
Of my life before now
Of dispairing and losing hope
Of putting off my dreams

*I had this post done before midnight but forgot to post it until after midnight. I hope you can forgive me for the late post.

Another Day Another Post

It hasn’t even been a week and already I’m banging my head against the desk trying to figure out what to write. Every idea that I have for a post seems silly or too short or just plain boring to me.

I thought about writing about my day but, honestly, my day was really boring and would not take up many words. My day went like this: doctor’s appointment with Sweety, grocery shopping, and home. I could elaborate but who really wants to read about how slow traffic was and how long the lines were at the cashier?

I realize that I could write about whatever prompt is going on at the Daily Post. Or I could hijack any prompt from the multitude of writing challenges out there. But those prompts don’t usually excite any ideas inside of me and I don’t want to write about something just because I have to.

I could even attempt to use this blog for writing stories and poems but I have my pseudonym blog for that purpose. Besides, in this beginning phase of my personal blog, I’m kind of scared that it will end up turning into a writing blog and that I will end up feeling weird about posting non-creative writing stuff.

I know, I know. I’m afraid of not being able to write about anything that comes to mind but I’m so worried about it that I’m not writing. It’s a rather self-defeating notion but, for some reason I just cannot get it out of my head.

Have you ever had any self-defeating thoughts that you just couldn’t shake? Or do you have any tricks that help you get rid of negative thinking?