Recently I was reminded that my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. Aside from making me feel old, it made me feel unproductive.
When I think back to what I had hoped to accomplish, I haven’t done any of it. I haven’t published any novels. I haven’t bought a house. I don’t have children. I haven’t made a million dollars. I don’t even have a job at the moment.
I know that I haven’t completely squandered my life. I haven’t wasted the past ten years. I’ve gone to college and graduated top of my class. I’ve lived in different countries and traveled where the wind sent me. I’ve volunteered a lot of my time and energy. I met Sweety and we promised our lives to each other.
But, even though I haven’t wasted my years, I also haven’t used them as efficiently as possible. I’ve written novel length stories and rewritten them but I haven’t queried any agents or submitted any manuscripts. The longest I stayed in one place was two years and even that was for school.
I know that I am the one to blame for this. I’m the reason why I haven’t published anything. I let my fear still my hand when I think of querying agents. I’m the reason I constantly move. I let my fear keep me from setting down roots.
And I use to be the one to blame for not being loved. Before Sweety, I wouldn’t let myself get too close to anyone. I would put up a mask because my fear told me that no one would understand the real me. I kept the mask because I thought that I was unlovable. But meeting Sweety, being loved by him, taught me that I could be loved. Being loved showed me that I was the only one who thought myself unlovable.
But it’s hard to change. I’ve been thinking thoughts like this since I can remember. I’ve been a perfectionist for all of my remembered life but I’ve never been able to obtain the perfection I seek. Even now, as I’m typing up this post, I think of myself as unlovable. I’m chastising myself for my imperfections. I’m berating myself because I haven’t accomplished what I wanted to.
My mind is swimming with the words “stupid” and “idiot”. The phrase “I can’t believe you did that” is being repeated over and over. And this is all because I wrote down the word count of this post before I finished editing it and because I accidentally forgot to capitalize one of the tags.
I know I have to change my way of thinking if I ever want to be happy. And there are some days when I do love myself and all my flaws. Today is not one of those days.
On days like today, I am my own worst enemy.