Migraines and the Inability to Block Out Light

Today I woke up with a migraine. It wasn’t the worst migraine I’ve ever had but it was a bit worse than my normal ones. The throbbing in my head was made worse by the fact that our house has blinds that do nothing to block out the light. As well, the cats decided that they needed to be very vocal today.

I was suppose to go out to brunch with Sweety, his sisters and his father but, needless to say, moving was not an option for me this morning. In fact, I don’t even feel so hot moving now and my migraine has lessened from its intensity.

I have a theory on why I had a migraine today. Part of it is due to the fact that I had a very bad “episode” last night. It was as if I couldn’t turn off my brain and all I could think about was everything that I needed to get done and how I’m doing a really bad job of taking care of Sweety.

In a way I almost feel as if I deserve my migraine. Partly because Sweety and I are just getting by and partly because there is so much more that I could be doing but I’m not.

I know that I’m doing all I can at the moment, but today is just one of those days when I can’t convince myself that that’s enough.

I Feel Like Crying

Today I feel like crying. I feel like I am the only one who actually cares about Sweety and, because of this, I feel frustrated. There are multiple reasons why I feel like this and I will attempt to explain it.

Earlier today Sweety got a call from his mom just as he was stepping into the bathroom. He told his mom that he would call her back when he was done but she ignored him and tried to keep him on the phone. This in itself baffles me as he told her that he couldn’t speak right then but he would call her when he could.

Then, I received a text from her which asked me if Sweety’s uncle was there yet. I asked Sweety why he didn’t tell me his uncle was visiting and he was confused. So I replied to the text asking what she was talking about and that we weren’t told anyone was coming over so we weren’t prepared for it. The reply I got was hostile in nature and laid the blame on Sweety for not telling her that we didn’t want visitors. When I asked her if specifically told Sweety that someone was coming to visit, she replied saying that she couldn’t talk because she was working.

I wish I could say that I was surprised with that texting conversation but it is typical of Sweety’s mother. Unfortunately, Sweety’s family tends to think of themselves first and others last. This can be seen in the fact that his father spends all of his money on alcohol and then proceeds to ask family members for money. The fact that, despite being told that Sweety has no immune system and shouldn’t be around children, his sister brought her 1-year old to visit. The fact that his mother assumes we are on her schedule by telling us when she is visiting and then showing up several hours late.

The way I was raised was for families to lift each other up rather than to be tossed aside when convenient. And, as Sweety’s family is our only possible support system on this side of the country, I feel very much alone. I call my parents every few days and speak to my sister every so often. Even my nephews who aren’t in school yet are a better support system than Sweety’s family.

I know that I really have no room to complain because at least I have my family to support me emotionally. But, at times like this, I really need someone to hold me while I cry. Unfortunately, the only one who can do that is Sweety and I don’t want to add anything to his already large load.

Yoga

When I was a child, Mom taught me yoga. I remember that she had this old book from the 70’s that had pictures of different yoga postures. We had a foam mat that Mom would place on the ground for us to use and we would do simple poses.

Then, when I was in elementary school, we stopped. I can’t remember why we stopped. It may have been because yoga was seen in bad light by the church; it could have been lack of time; or it could have been that Mom lost interest in it.

After high school I started doing yoga again. I was surprised by how much I remembered from when I was a child. I wasn’t as flexible but I was still able to do Warrior III and a few other poses that I loved as a child.

Now, I find myself skipping my yoga routine more often than not. When I do yoga, I find that I am more alert and less depressed than if I skip. My anxiety lessens with every yoga flow that I do. But for some reason, when Sweety goes to bed and it is time for yoga, I decide to skip out.

If I could afford it I would sign up for a class because I love yoga classes more than solitary practice. I suppose I just have to get myself back into the routine of yoga. Maybe I should just do Sun Salutations every sunrise rather than my more complicated (and 20 minute longer) flow.

Do you do yoga? What type is your favourite? Do you have any poses or flows that you prefer?

When the Bad Outnumber the Good

English: A 3 Musketeers bar, shown here whole.

I would love a 3 Musketeers Bar right now  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I’ve felt like the bad days have been outnumbering the good days at least 4:1. And I’m really getting discouraged. So this post is going to be short because I need some cuddle time with Sweety and a chocolate bar.

I hope that everyone else is having a good day because I wouldn’t wish this hopeless feeling on anyone.

How Do You Get Past A Bad Mood?

I’m not quite sure what to talk about today. I had brilliant plans to write up a post about how my sleep schedule and depression seem to be linked. About how I feel worse when I get too little or too much sleep. About how my depression makes my insomnia worse. About how this cycle seems to be never ending.

I could wax poetic about how good my bed felt today. Lines and lines about how I had to drag myself out from under the covers. I could write pages about how my body and bed seem to fit together just right.

But I don’t want to wallow in my bad mood. I want to lift myself above it. I want to toss my bad mood and do something productive.

Unfortunately, the last few days I’ve not been able to get past my bad mood. It’s been a struggle to do anything that didn’t require my bed, pillow and blankets.

Everything that I love to do has become a chore. Normally I love writing but these last few days I’ve felt more like smashing my computer than writing.

I’ve tried everything short of medication and nothing has helped me get over this low. I’ve tried reading and got through three pages before giving up. I’ve tried bubble baths and journaling. I’ve tried hot chocolate and sweets. Nothing has even made a dent.

I know that this mood will pass because they always do. But when I’m feeling low, I can almost believe it will last forever.

What do you do when you’ve got a bad mood you just can’t seem to shake?

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Recently I was reminded that my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. Aside from making me feel old, it made me feel unproductive.

When I think back to what I had hoped to accomplish, I haven’t done any of it. I haven’t published any novels. I haven’t bought a house. I don’t have children. I haven’t made a million dollars. I don’t even have a job at the moment.

I know that I haven’t completely squandered my life. I haven’t wasted the past ten years. I’ve gone to college and graduated top of my class. I’ve lived in different countries and traveled where the wind sent me. I’ve volunteered a lot of my time and energy. I met Sweety and we promised our lives to each other.

But, even though I haven’t wasted my years, I also haven’t used them as efficiently as possible. I’ve written novel length stories and rewritten them but I haven’t queried any agents or submitted any manuscripts. The longest I stayed in one place was two years and even that was for school.

I know that I am the one to blame for this. I’m the reason why I haven’t published anything. I let my fear still my hand when I think of querying agents. I’m the reason I constantly move. I let my fear keep me from setting down roots.

And I use to be the one to blame for not being loved. Before Sweety, I wouldn’t let myself get too close to anyone. I would put up a mask because my fear told me that no one would understand the real me. I kept the mask because I thought that I was unlovable. But meeting Sweety, being loved by him, taught me that I could be loved. Being loved showed me that I was the only one who thought myself unlovable.

But it’s hard to change. I’ve been thinking thoughts like this since I can remember. I’ve been a perfectionist for all of my remembered life but I’ve never been able to obtain the perfection I seek. Even now, as I’m typing up this post, I think of myself as unlovable. I’m chastising myself for my imperfections. I’m berating myself because I haven’t accomplished what I wanted to.

My mind is swimming with the words “stupid” and “idiot”. The phrase “I can’t believe you did that” is being repeated over and over. And this is all because I wrote down the word count of this post before I finished editing it and because I accidentally forgot to capitalize one of the tags.

I know I have to change my way of thinking if I ever want to be happy. And there are some days when I do love myself and all my flaws. Today is not one of those days.

On days like today, I am my own worst enemy.