It’s Been A Long Time

The last time I posted on this site was in 2013 just after my Sweety was allowed to return home after his transplant. In 6 weeks it will be his 3rd year anniversary from his transplant which is amazing. It has taken a lot of work to get to this point, especially since it took longer for him to recover than expected (by about 2 years).

Suffice to say, a lot has changed in that time period.

I am now working full-time (between 40-44 hours a week) as a trainer and supervisor. Sweety was allowed to return to work because he no longer requires transfusions of blood. Sweety still has appointments but they are less frequent (bi-weekly in town and quarterly in Calgary). Sweety’s sister is getting married and his mother moved out of province. Sweety and I were able to visit my family on the other side of the country. And I am finally able to start relaxing.

We are also able to get back into hanging out with friends which is a nice way to relax. Actually, it’s nice to have friends in this province. (For those who don’t know I moved here very shortly before Sweety got sick which took over all of our time and energy and left me with no local support system.)

So, now that I am able to get back to being me, I want to start blogging and writing again. I’m going to be the DM for a campaign with our friends. I am very excited and have a lot of plans for the campaign which is getting me excited to start writing again. But, with everything that has been going on (including a few incidents that I’m not at liberty to talk about as they only partially include me) I have sunk back into my anxiety and depression.

Now I am climbing back out, bloody hands clutching to the rock walls of sanity as I struggle to hold on. But I am slowly getting out and it feels empowering. So, while I still have anxiety attacks, I’m considering myself back with a vengeance… or at least back.

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Migraines and the Inability to Block Out Light

Today I woke up with a migraine. It wasn’t the worst migraine I’ve ever had but it was a bit worse than my normal ones. The throbbing in my head was made worse by the fact that our house has blinds that do nothing to block out the light. As well, the cats decided that they needed to be very vocal today.

I was suppose to go out to brunch with Sweety, his sisters and his father but, needless to say, moving was not an option for me this morning. In fact, I don’t even feel so hot moving now and my migraine has lessened from its intensity.

I have a theory on why I had a migraine today. Part of it is due to the fact that I had a very bad “episode” last night. It was as if I couldn’t turn off my brain and all I could think about was everything that I needed to get done and how I’m doing a really bad job of taking care of Sweety.

In a way I almost feel as if I deserve my migraine. Partly because Sweety and I are just getting by and partly because there is so much more that I could be doing but I’m not.

I know that I’m doing all I can at the moment, but today is just one of those days when I can’t convince myself that that’s enough.

Folding Bags

Folding plastic bags to save space

Folding plastic bags to save space

Today my OCD was getting the best of me in a strange way. I was panicking over the state of all the plastic bags we have collected in the house. We don’t have a bag holder and Sweety was just tossing the loose bags under the sink. Not only were the bags taking up a lot of space but I couldn’t justify tossing them because we use them for garbage bags.

Then, as I was going through Pinterest, I found a link to this wonderful blog post.

I brought out all the plastic bags we have and started folding them. I wish I could say that Sweety was surprised at me doing something so strange, but he has grown use to my weird tendencies (such as having twenty plus categories in my recipe book).

I would recommend folding your plastic bags if you want to save space because it works extremely well. Folding the bags also allows you to check for holes and toss the bad bags.

Yoga

When I was a child, Mom taught me yoga. I remember that she had this old book from the 70’s that had pictures of different yoga postures. We had a foam mat that Mom would place on the ground for us to use and we would do simple poses.

Then, when I was in elementary school, we stopped. I can’t remember why we stopped. It may have been because yoga was seen in bad light by the church; it could have been lack of time; or it could have been that Mom lost interest in it.

After high school I started doing yoga again. I was surprised by how much I remembered from when I was a child. I wasn’t as flexible but I was still able to do Warrior III and a few other poses that I loved as a child.

Now, I find myself skipping my yoga routine more often than not. When I do yoga, I find that I am more alert and less depressed than if I skip. My anxiety lessens with every yoga flow that I do. But for some reason, when Sweety goes to bed and it is time for yoga, I decide to skip out.

If I could afford it I would sign up for a class because I love yoga classes more than solitary practice. I suppose I just have to get myself back into the routine of yoga. Maybe I should just do Sun Salutations every sunrise rather than my more complicated (and 20 minute longer) flow.

Do you do yoga? What type is your favourite? Do you have any poses or flows that you prefer?

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Recently I was reminded that my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. Aside from making me feel old, it made me feel unproductive.

When I think back to what I had hoped to accomplish, I haven’t done any of it. I haven’t published any novels. I haven’t bought a house. I don’t have children. I haven’t made a million dollars. I don’t even have a job at the moment.

I know that I haven’t completely squandered my life. I haven’t wasted the past ten years. I’ve gone to college and graduated top of my class. I’ve lived in different countries and traveled where the wind sent me. I’ve volunteered a lot of my time and energy. I met Sweety and we promised our lives to each other.

But, even though I haven’t wasted my years, I also haven’t used them as efficiently as possible. I’ve written novel length stories and rewritten them but I haven’t queried any agents or submitted any manuscripts. The longest I stayed in one place was two years and even that was for school.

I know that I am the one to blame for this. I’m the reason why I haven’t published anything. I let my fear still my hand when I think of querying agents. I’m the reason I constantly move. I let my fear keep me from setting down roots.

And I use to be the one to blame for not being loved. Before Sweety, I wouldn’t let myself get too close to anyone. I would put up a mask because my fear told me that no one would understand the real me. I kept the mask because I thought that I was unlovable. But meeting Sweety, being loved by him, taught me that I could be loved. Being loved showed me that I was the only one who thought myself unlovable.

But it’s hard to change. I’ve been thinking thoughts like this since I can remember. I’ve been a perfectionist for all of my remembered life but I’ve never been able to obtain the perfection I seek. Even now, as I’m typing up this post, I think of myself as unlovable. I’m chastising myself for my imperfections. I’m berating myself because I haven’t accomplished what I wanted to.

My mind is swimming with the words “stupid” and “idiot”. The phrase “I can’t believe you did that” is being repeated over and over. And this is all because I wrote down the word count of this post before I finished editing it and because I accidentally forgot to capitalize one of the tags.

I know I have to change my way of thinking if I ever want to be happy. And there are some days when I do love myself and all my flaws. Today is not one of those days.

On days like today, I am my own worst enemy.

Irritatingly Dirty

Growing up I always remember my mother apologizing to guests for how messy our house was. The house could have looked better than a copy of Homes and Gardens but she would still apologize.

Eventually I learned that there was no such thing as too clean. I learned that messes are horrible and should be cleaned up as soon as possible. Dirt was something to be avoided at all costs.

This shows itself most when I do the dishes. I have been known to lecture people for not cleaning their dishes before putting them in the sink to be washed.

Unfortunately, most people don’t understand this all encompassing need to have everything be super clean. When I ask them to scrape off their plates before putting them in the sink to soak, they look at me as if I’m telling them to throw the plate out the window. When I panic over things being put in the wrong place, I’m told to calm down because it’s not the end of the world.

The only problem with that is that to me, it is something to panic over. They may not have a problem tossing their dishes in the sink with food still on them but they also aren’t the ones who end up washing the dishes. When they put things in the wrong place, they aren’t the ones who need to find it later.

I admit that I do overreact to small things regarding cleanliness in my house. But I don’t take it outside of my house. So, honestly, is it really that bad that I want my house to be clean?